Ramblings of a Random Mind

2:00pm: New Blog
Hi All,

To coninside with my own new year, which most of you know starts in October (yeah, I'm a little late...) I have started a new blog here: http://gemma-jones.blogspot.com/ and so I wont be updating this one, I'll be using the new one at Blogspot just because I like it better.

Merry Xmas!
Gems

11:59am: Quick Picks
The low-down so far this month is:

Seen some plays with Mhairi. First one was called Love Song and was really good, the second was called On Religion and was alright but a bit too melodramatic for me.

Went to Spittlefields, wore heals, was a bad idea. Spent too much but love what I bought.

Work is slow, have lots of personal work to be getting on with. Must understand Paypal's gazillion ways to use its payment system asap so I can get Fran's new design up and running, making some business and xmas cards for Sue and trying to get my own site ready for xmas and then new year.

Looking forward to celebrating Yule with Tam and my new coven. Its an open one, so if anyone wants to come along and join in with our little party and ritual you're more than welcome, just let me know first.

Also looking forward to seeing my mum again. I haven't seen her since the summer!

Got to go now and get back to work!

Love ya all!!
Gems

12:29pm: Remember, remember the month of November
Hi All,

Quickpicks of what I have been up to:

Been broke, not done much. Went to the theatre for free with Mhairi - Was fantastic! - and saw 'Stones in his pockets'.
I have gone back on my diet and hope to be at 8 stone by xmas. Not only is is good for my waist, its good for my pocket to eat less too!

I have worked out my budget for next year (yes, the whole of next year) and I have also planned people's xmas presents and designed my own cards for people.

I bought my mum and stepdad a digital camera - I do hope that they like it! and I got my dad a book of facts as he likes to think he knows it all, and so now he can! *giggle*. My brother is getting art supplies, my gran is getting a book, and everyone else is getting paintings.

Got to go, will write again soon!

6:02pm: My new tattoo
http://www.luckyfishart.com/druidspirofl.html

...that is going to live in the back of my neck, or the top of my back. I haven't decided yet.

5:33pm: Me, me, me
I have come to realise that I am all 'Me, me, poor me' all the time. How did I get like this? When did I start caring about what other people think about me so badly? When did I start to care about myself over others? When did I become to self-centered?

*shock and horror*

Well, now that we are coming up to my New Year (Halloween, otherwise known as Samhain to me) I have decided to make some New Year's resolutions:

1) Stop having pitty party's.
2) Get off my ass and meet people
3) Stop being so self aborbed all the time.
4) Stop caring what others think of me so much
5) Do things because I want to do them for others and not for what it may bring me
6) Be myself again

Thats it for now - I have 7 websites to build for work and only 2 days to do it... I am going to go insane! *pulls at hair*

1:51pm: So , so tired
I feel utterly drained. I am definately getting an early night tonight! I meant to get one last night but I got stuck chatting to Natalie about my deposit.

I am dropping some stuff off at my new place this evening too, which does mean that I can start to clear out all my stuff from Kew and into Chiswick, which then means that I can clean the place up and get my deposit back without too much fuss.

I am also thinking about self publishing a small magazine or starting a group. Either under the Covenstead banner or perhaps Pagans Around Chiswick or Pagans Around W4... South West London Pagans... Pagans Around South West London... Hmm... Well... I'll think of something as soon as my brain kick starts again... which may be quite a long time!

*zzzzzzzzzz*

12:26pm: Funny ol' world
Today has been really strange so far...

First my new landlady calls at 6.30am to invite me round later in the week to finialise the arangements for my room, then I wake up a 8am and manage to get into work on time and then just now I got a new phone (Nokia N80) and money off my price plan if I stick with my network (which I am very happy with actually... Its Three by the way...).

So now not only am I saving money on my phone bill, my rent and my transport - I get to sell my old handset because they don't want it back. Fab.

I hope the rest of the say is as nice *smile*

7:33pm: Wiped and relieved
Its been one crazy weekend. I have spent the entirity of it walking around Chiswick, Hammersmith and Acton seeing streets I never knew exisited until now, looking for rooms in houses that were - mostly and at best - scankie, flea infested postage stamp sized cupboards...

But finally yesterday I saw a nice room in a lovely house in Chiswick near Gunnersbury. Its owned by a British couple, has free sky tv and a mini gym. And its saving me about £200 a month. *phew* Now I just have to pry my desposit from my landlords cold, dead hands and we'll all be sorted.

Now I can get on with selling my laptop, getting Frans site done and getting my charity documents up to scratch, moving and paying off my credit cards. With the money I am saving I should be able to get everything paid off within a year. I have to go see my bank tomorrow to ask for a loan repayment holiday so then I can plow more money into paying off my credit cards... We'll see how that goes. I am also trying to tidy up this place so that I can get my full deposit back! Anyone who knows me will know I suck at housework, so I'll need all the luck I can get with that one.

I am feeling very mixed about the future, but at least I am not dispearing of it like I was!

12:13pm: One Web Day
I have just read on the bbc that it's OneWebDay and so I am writing a short blog entry to commemorate it and to reflect on the way that the web has changed my life.

Without the web I wouldn't be where I am today, thats for sure. Without my first experiences of the internet at the tender age of 15 I wouldn't have found out all I know about Wicca, I wouldn't have met my ex and spent 5 years with him, I wouldn't have done Internet Computing, met my HP and HPS while I was doing my degree and I wouldn't be in London right now.

I would probably be an artist, writer or some other type of creative if the internet didn't exist. I know that because its what I love to do in my spare time, along with web fiddling that is.

The web is my life - I work in it, on it and with it every day. I wouldn't have been able to learn anything as fast as I have without it. I am useless at wading through books to find the infomration I need, even though I love books and they have their uses...

I think that the web has changed the way that we see the world. Its become easier to meet people over the internet than face to face. Its isolated us in many ways and exposed us to new and exciting ways of communication - such as blogs, for instance.

I just wanted to mark the day with some of my not-so-random thoughts about the web and I invite all of you to leave me a little message about what the web has done for you.

Happy One Web Day!

9:55pm: On and on and *oh shit*
I have been trekking up and down the streets of this place to try and find a nice place to live... I think I give up! It seems that if you want to live somewhere that is not a dive you need to be earning really big bucks - something that I am just not doing.

So, lo and behold I am having to sell my laptop to make ends meet while I search for my next residence. Don't worry, as soon as I get back on my feel I will get another computer. I think maybe I'll opt for a second hand desktop this time around... We'll see what happens. In the mean time the extra £300 or so I'm getting for my laptop will pay off a few debts, maybe a month or two of my credit card repayments... *sigh* I am really getting sick on London... Its sucking the life out of me with its consant thirst for money. I think I need to work of my debts and get out of here!

Covenstead - here I come baby!

9:10am: No room at the inn
Well, I didn't get the room... It was shite anyway *sulk*

I am going to be looking for a house share with Carol over the next few weeks, but it still means that I will need to find this months whole wack of rent from somewhere... *bollocks*

Danae left for Shefield today and her leaving party was Sat. Was lovely. Went to Wagamama's. Didn't like the food, but hay-ho. Had lots of milkshakes instead of alchohol - I enjoyed the night much more that way.

Yesterday I went for a cup of tea with Mhairi and whined/gossiped and otherwise used her as my therapist. She didn't mind, as I am hers too - we concluded.

Got to get to work now... On with the show!

10:17am: To sleep, to sleep, perchange to ...
Get some sleep!

I didn't get a very good nights sleep last night for absolutely no reasons that I can think of. My mind just wouldn't shut down... so as a consequence I overslept and now I am rushing around trying to get ready in time to see this place in Chiswick.

I really hope I like it and can take it.

Lets see shall we... Got to go!

2:35pm: Another quickie
Went out last night and got absolutely plastered on champagne. Feel a bit ill today and so I have been munching like a trooper. Had a haircut, was cheap and love it.

TTYL!

4:22pm: Power off, power on
Making it a quick one today:

Got into work, power cut off due to road works outside and some wanker going through the power cable... Went home... power came back on and went back into work.

Looked for places to rent online, got a phone call - Going to see a room on saturday and I am very excited because its much cheaper than my current place and if I like it I am going to take it there and then.

Thats all for now folks!

11:26pm: You Tube - I salute you
http://community.livejournal.com/wtf_inc/3316943.html

YouTube has to be the greatest website ever (even thought their terms and conditions for ownership of content is criminal and you should never post anything on there if you don't want them to own it!)

Banana...

10:54pm: Thoughts before bed...
I was just surfing through the BBC website, as you do at 11.30 on a saterday night - if you have no social life, like me - and I saw the title of a program showing on the BBC soon about why romantic novels are so popular and how they are increasingly so these days.

It got me thinking about how men and women no longer interact with each other in any type of restrained and gentle way. We are so used to treating each other as 'buddies' and friends that we have forgotten all about romance, all about chivelry and honour. Yes, its good to have male friends, and female friends if you a guy, but when you are in the company of someone you like I think that there should be honour and romance and courting going on. Where is the love people? Why is it ok these days to turn to someone and say 'Do you want to come back to mine for a shag?' There is nothing more off putting and disrespectful to the whole ideal of what love really is than something like that.

I guess I am a romantic at heart... Someone shoot me...

But seriously, if I meet someone I like and who likes me I would like some sort of courting. Some sort of indecator of respect, of interest, of respect. Is it so wrong to want these things from someone these days? Is it asking too much of 'modern' men to be honest, open, respectful and gentlemanly? I think thats it you know - modern men aren't gentlemen. They are lads in big boys shoes, and its beginning to piss me off. The same goes for women though - we aren't aloud to be lady like any more, we have to be modern women. Independent, self-centered, vein and career driven. Goddess help us if all we want is to be ourselfs, open, and caring without having to worry that people will think us weak.

This is turning into a rant, so I will stop there. Good night my dears - speak to you tomorrow.

12:56pm: Weird
I had a weird dream last night. I drept that I was a guy and that I was being chased by this group of vampire hunters. I was a newly made vampire and my sire and I (both good vampires btw) were trying to understand our nature and rid the world of the bad vampires.

Left me feeling all strange today, as some dreams do.

More later, I promice.

7:01pm: The lament
Its been an iteresting weekend. Went to a ritual on friday and that was powerful and awsome. It took me a long time to get there and home because it was held in north London, but it was worth it.

I then went to see Tam yesterday to talk about working with him and his group. He's a lovely bloke and I think I could work in his group well. The bad thing is I will have to bow out of Allan and Dani's group. I will email Allan about that later and discuss.

Covenstead seems to be getting some backing on the lists. Some very good points have been brought up by all and I shall spend some time going through and making notes to address them.

Now for the bad part - my landlord decided to cheque both of my holding cheques for the next two months rent. They both bounced of course which leaves me with less than nothing. I am going to talk to him and my landlady later, about now in fact and speak to them about the payment of my last rent cheque as I believe I pay my rent in advance and so I only need to pay for 2 weeks in october, and so they need to give me £600 rather than the other way around. Yada, yada, not very intersting I know.

May I also mention that I am very happy that my dear friend Trudi has found love with another person very dear to me. I wish you both the best in love and of luck! *hugs*

Now, if only I could find love... *sigh* Well, the Goddess will send someone my way when she feels I am ready. Before then I must learn to take care of myself and to make myself happy. How else would I ever make anyone else happy? *shrug*

At least my poverty stops me from snacking out of depression! *giggle*

Work tomorrow - *sigh* - I really wish I didn't have to work, that I could do what suited me or take some time to just get on with all of the things that I only ever feel like doing when I can't do them!

And so, to cleaning and coding...

9:29am: Best magician ever...
Hi guys - this is the kind of thing that goes around the email system in my office:

http://vowe.net/archives/007569.html

Best magic show ever!

Warning: don't watch in a public place!

*giggle*

1:30pm: Girly Geek Dinner
Hi y'all, I went to the Girly Geek Dinner and it was fab. Most people there decided to leave at about 10.30 - I should have done the same, but I ended up taking a ride to Earls Court with one of the guys from the dinner - and when I say 'guys' I mean one of the men. Hmm, you can guess what he had on his mind...

For all intents and purposes he was very sweet, but too old for me and a little too enebriated. I felt guilty about hitching a ride to EC with him as the taxi had cost about £20, so I was trying to be kind and, being very drunk, a little flirty. so I gave him a kiss. Bad idea. He tried to convince me to stay in EC and have more drinks with him, but I said no and went to the station, got on the train and went home. I was very drunk... I wont do that again.

Today I am tired but no hangover. I will get an early night tonight.

I have asked one of my co-workers to show me around his PHP CMS later and he is going to. My day is consisting of mind numbing data entry and small website tweaks... I should get back to that before I fall asleep!

*hugs*

And good luck to Fran with her house hunt in Swansea! *finfers crossed!*

12:05pm: Glass half full
Well, I've had another half and half weekend, but this time around I feel less upset about being on my own.

I went to the Science Museum on saturday and I am going to pop to the Victoria and Albert Museum today. They are both located at South Kensington and it only costs me £2 to get there, so its a cheap and interesting day out.

I am going to a talk tomorrow evening from a women who works for microsoft. The events is called a Girly Geek Dinner and its about getting geeky girls together to talk about interting things. Tomorrows talk is about human computer interactions of the future- something I have a huge interest in. Its girls only too - no blokes can come unless they are invited by a woman who is already attending. Also, its full now - 60 geeks in a room - I can't wait!

I also have a meeting with Tam coming up. I can't wait to see him again. I haven't seen him since Scotland and embarking on the work with this group should be a real challenge - one that I am excited to undertake.

I have bought myself some new diet aid tablets. All I have eaten this weekend has been cereal. I am so proud of myself. Today I am fasting and tomorrow I shall be back on the cup-a-soup and riveta. I hope I can keep it up in the office, as everyone there always eats at their desks and it makes me hungry.

I went out for drinks with my landlady and her husband last night. We were up until 3am talking! lol! They said that they were sorry to see me leave and I cracked a joke about them dropping my rent and letting me the place upstairs. They think it was a joke anyway - I was serious. I would stay here if they rented me the place upstairs and dropped my rent by a little. I may propose something to them about it... Like letting the next person to take the studio use the flat too... Something like that. We shall see if I have the bottle for that. But if you don't ask you never get right?!

I am going to give my dad a call in a minute, he texted me last night and I completely forgot to write back. I am so forgetful its unbelieveable.

I rang Danae, she said it wasn't a good time and that she would call back. That was saturday. She never calls back. Well, I am not going to call her again. She can get in touch when she wishes, or not. Its up to her. Mhairi called to ask if I was ok on friday, which was really nice of her. She is worried about me. No need really. I am more than fine. I am going to start looking for flat shares in Sept to move into by October. I also think that I have given Nat one check too many - I'll catch up with her about that later.

Anyway kids, I have to go and see some interesting things *smile*

*hugs*

12:35pm: Weak Weekend
Well, I had a kind of half and half weekend.

Firstly I went to Angel in London with Mhairi, we had sushi to pay her back for buying me lunch when I was stony broke. We milled around for a while, window shopped and I got depressed about having no money. She went to her beau’s and I went home to an empty room and no-one to call to come over… Again.

Sunday was much the same at Saturday night. I don’t know anyone here so there was no chance of asking anyone over for a chat. I really wanted to speak to someone, face to face – spend some time with someone rather than on my own or on the phone.

So I did some reading about PHP and MySQL in the vein hope of understanding how I can build a database to hold Fran’s item information so that I don’t have to spend hours just adding data into static pages. I hope I can get this down as it would really help in the making of other pages and other sites… SO now I find myself stealing some time at work to learn this crap and get it running.

Jeff and Isa have asked me to go over to Vienna and see them. I would really love to. I looked up the cost of it and it will cost be about £80 to fly over and back. Not much, I may go over before I go to Sweden. Or I may not go to Sweden at all until next year after Belgium. I think that my lusting after Mr Sweden is selfish and its making me compromise myself inside in ways that I thought I would never do. But when you’re lonely, I guess you’ll do just about anything.

3:43pm: That Fredag feeling
Its Friday (Fredag in Swedish) and the dreaded Brain Melt has hit. I am not incapable of rational though, indeed thought of any kind except ‘So bored, must sleep’. And yet here I am in the office – cutting and pasting my little ass off so that someone can tell me next week to do it all again… By the Gods sometimes I hate computers!

One of the small things keeping me sane this Friday/Fredag is a website called Pandora. www.pandora.com Its an online radio station and I highly recommend it. You type in the name of an artist or song that you like and *whoosh* off it goes and gets more like it for you. Sweet.

I fell asleep at lunch on one of the bean bags in the common area – I do hope no-one saw me, though I vaguely remember Antonio walking past me in my semi-comatose state… *slight shame*

I handed in my notice to my landlady today – I may have already said… But now I must start searching for a new place to live in earnst and get off my ass to go trekking to find a place that I can live in for a while. Telewest wont let me cut off my contract even though I thought I was just following on with a contract I had with NTL, apparently not sayth them. Bastards. So I will just have to cut it down to the minimum and have it at that. I also need to make a list of all of the places I need to tell about my change of address. It seems to me that I move about once every six months. Its getting to be quite a drudge. I do hope that the next place I move to I stay in for a while. Speaking of which I have set up a Yahoo group that I will be promoting like wildfire over the weekend and the next few weeks (and beyond if it proves successful) called Pagan House Share – gee, I wonder what that could be about! Its at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/paganhouseshare/ Just in case you’re Pagan and interested in house sharing.

Anyway, back to my ‘cut-and-paste’-athon…

5:39pm: Dawnings
I realised something just now, when I was reading an article about Blogging online. I realised that I censer my writings. I don’t actually say what I mean, I skirt around issues that are really bothering me – Why? A) because I don’t think anyone is interested and B) because I don’t want people to dislike me.

Why am I so worried about what people think of me? Even on the internet? What is my preoccupation with not saying what I really mean? Sugar-coating and denial, it seems, have become a part of my personality.

Don’t get me wrong – sometimes I can be a tactless arse – but I find myself biting my tongue in order to help people to like me.

Huston, we have a problem…

So, in order to further challenge myself I am going to do something that I haven’t done in a long time – I am going to be perfectly honest with you. I am going to say what I think and why I think it, and I would like you to do the same.

*deep breath* Ok, lets do this shall we?

Issue 1 in my life right now is my sever lack of money. I live from month to month from one pay check to another because I have difficulty managing my finances. I have difficulty managing because I spend money that I don’t have – I spend it on shit most of the time. Take yesterday for example – My pay check went in after a delay of about a day and I went shopping for food.

I went to Sainsbury’s and bought some food. Not a luxury most would consider frivolous, but I do. I bought salad, some meat, some yogurts, some cereal… all together it came to about £20 – this is two weeks worth of food. Not bad shopping some would say – Too much money says I. If you want to eat anything other than baked beans on toast (and I have been eating that for the last few weeks – and no, they didn’t make me fart!) it costs an arm and a leg and its not as if I went shopping at M&S.

Then I went to Boots and spent £30 on toiletries… £30 for soap to clean my skankie ass, makeup to cover up my face, a toothbrush to combat halitosis and one luxury item of some nail polish – I know, I was pushing the boat out there!

Basically my rant goes like this – I hate having to buy the basics as they cost so darn much, even when you economise. When I do ‘splash out’ its usually no more than £10 worth of anything and I feel really guilty about it because its money that I WILL need later in the month. Baring this in mind, I still can’t get a grip on it… But seeing as I need to cut costs, I am cutting my rent by moving into a house share, which leads me to Issue 2…

Issue 2: My landlady

Before I went away I had a nice woman staying with me, keeping me company, doing my household chores in lieu of paying anything towards my rent (guilt is a wonderful tool) but before I knew it she had been there 6 weeks – Her name is Tania btw – and my landlady asked her to leave. It took her about 1 week to find new digs (with a pervert called Guy… *shudder*) and then I went on holiday to Scotland (more issues there people…) and I asked Tania to check in on my stuff while I was away. My landlady freaked and asked me to move out over the answering machine on my mobile phone… *sigh*. But that was good, because I wanted to move out anyway… Then when I said to her that me moving out was just fine by me she backed down and asked me to stay. All was tense and we avoided each other for 2 weeks until yesterday when she calls in on me and is very nice… leaving me in the position of wanting to move but not wanting to hurt her feelings…Again with the caring about what people think! *damn it!*

Issue 3: I believe its time I admitted to the world that I, yes I, have a crush on an unattainable man. He’s cute, talented, Swedish and has a girlfriend (you know who you are!). I find him totally enthralling and its making me sad to know that I will never be with him because I believe that I am not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not slim enough, not talented enough (pity party ensues)… Thus I am obsessed…

Issue 4: I have an eating disorder. I have a problem with food. When I’m not hating myself for eating it, I’m hating myself for hating it. When I’m not doing that, I’m hating myself for being fat. When I’m not doing that, I’m hating myself for hating myself, which makes me depressed, which makes me reach for the nearest bar of chocolate. It gotten so bad that I resent having to buy food at all (see rant 1) and I have stopped buying food for my house. The only food I have now is at work so I can’t eat in the evenings or on the weekend. Yet I still manage to binge on the remainder of my cupboard which was bought so I could make cookies for everyone at work… *sigh*. I’m going to throw it all out soon and be done with it and just buy in cookies from Safeway for people at work. For what they paid me for the ones I did bake it would be cheaper to do that! But anyway, I’ll admit now that I have an unhealthy attitude to food and that my goal weight is 7 stone – or 6 and half it I can make that, but I doubt that my body will let me without passing out!

Issue 5: I haven’t had sex with anyone but myself for far too long. The last guy I did have sex with (you know who you are if you still read this!) had sex like a bunny on acid and sucked at it. Yes, that’s right, I did fake every time ‘catnap’ and you do really suck in bed – no I am not saying that to be cruel – it really is unfortunately true. So, I need a good lay, but I am too self-loathing to think that anyone could find me attractive, yada, yada… (que the worlds smallest violin).

And I think that’s enough issues for today folks, tune in tomorrow for another not-so-exciting instalment…

6:32pm: Grrr, Argh!
Well, my pay didn't go in today - its gone walkies. Mine was the only account to go a-miss. I am now really worried and depressed at the same time. I have so many people to call tomorrow to explain why they can't have the money I have already agreed to pay... like my rent. Thats a joy I am not looking forward to as I have had a falling out with my landlord and I don't think they will be as understanding as I need them to be. Plus my credit card payments that I meant to make today and forgot, luckally, or I would be in the shit even more...

Gah. Sucks.

I am going to go home now and cry - and yes, work on your website Fran!

*sulk*